Have I Got News For You?, the source of this pointless team quiz revival, has clearly got a lot to answer for. Mind you, that show remains essential - partly because of Paul Merton and Ian Hislop; partly because (like Private Eye) it's got a purpose beyond mere arsing about; mainly because it's still capable of producing moments in TV history like the compelling, horrifying appearance of Neil Hamilton and Lady Macbeth in the last series (the 'George Best on Wogan' of the Nineties, no question).

Anyway, for all those who despise this stinky-poo televisual turd as much as I do and yet want to hang with the sporting in-crowd, BSaD is here to help. As soon as the subject crops up in conversation, simply drop in a line or two from the script below (as in, "Yeah, and then there was that bit when Lee Hurst said...") and everyone will laugh heartily in recognition of the razor-sharp wit of The Nation's Favourite Godforsaken Excuse For A Comedy Programme (But At Least It's Not Flamin' Watchdog Again).

Ian Grant

(Theme music. Applause.)

Nick Hancock: Good evening and welcome to "They Think It's All Over".

(Audience titters excitedly.)

Lee Hurst: Have you seen the size of Gary Lineker's ears?

(Audience laughs heartily.)

Gary Lineker: You're just jealous. At least I've got some hair.

(Audience collapses into hysterics.)

Gary Lineker (on a roll): Maybe Rory could donate some of his - he's got plenty to spare.

(Audience applauds in awe.)

David Gower: You can borrow my wig if you like.

(Ambulances arrive for overwhelmed audience members. Repeat for another twenty minutes.)

Nick Hancock: And this week's winner is...David Gower. Well, there's a first time for everything.

(Five minute standing ovation.)

Nick Hancock: Thanks to this week's guests Fish from Marillion and The Usual Second-Rate Stand-Up Comedian. And goodnight.

(Theme music.)