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Swindon v Watford, 19/9/98
By Matt Rowson

I hate Swindon.

I hate lots of things actually... liver, Manchester United, Fulham, Kevin Piper on Anglia TV (smarmy git), Kevin bloody Keegan, Milton Keynes, roadworks, celery, traffic jams, people who don't like football, people who pretend to like football, people who wear tracksuits but never do any sport, tailgaters, wet feet, Essex, David Mellor, Americans, wallpaper, Bryan Adams, very many of my clients at work, Dave Bassett, Andy Kennedy, tight trousers, Alan Brazil, the stupid woman at the garage across the road who always comments on the weather and lard. All bastards.

But I really hate Swindon. I hate their arrogant psycho manager, "talentless vindictive moron" Steve McMahon... a malicious bastard as a player and a clueless manager who managed to sign the most god-awful frees on offer this summer except Dom Ludden (bastard). Tried to leave in the summer but his players talked him out of it, well ha ha ha you deserve everything that's coming to you, idiots. The only reason he hasn't been sacked is that Swindon have no money to take on another bloke.

What sort of fool signs a rubbish butterfingers goalkeeper from Bournemouth, tells him he'll never play for his team again before he's made his debut, plays him anyway in a local derby and then drops him after a famous victory ? Idiot.

Whilst we're on the subject, Swindon have a highly original nickname for their rivals, Oxford. "The Scum". Well ha bloody ha aren't you just so original. And I bet you sing mind-numbingly thick songs like "Stand up if you hate the scum" when your team are losing and need your support, don't you ? They should lock you, and the like-minded idiots from our place, and Bryan Adams, Kevin Piper, the woman from the garage and everything else in a large barn and burn it. Ha ha. Bastards.

You just have to look at the team fer Chrissakes. The average age is probably higher than the home attendance. Six who started on Saturday are in their late twenties/early thirties, plus Mark Walters (34, and "as useful as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking party") and Brian Borrows , 37, and an old mate of McMahon's from Goodison Park. Well while you're at it why don't you wheel out Mick Lyons, Bob Latchford and George Wood, you clueless idiot.

The attack is mind-numbingly simple... a couple of fast blokes who run a lot. Well ten out of ten for imagination Stevie. They still needed the opposition goalkeeper to faint before scoring on Saturday (ha bloody ha - I hate Portsmouth). The midfield runs around a lot, given McIdiot's reluctance to play the one man at the County Ground who can kick a ball straight, Phillipe Cuervo. As for the defence... the worst in the division by some distance, a calamitous amalgam of the worst defenders in the Premiership of two years ago, "protecting" Australian Frank "Dracula" Talia. Idiots.

And the substitutes... why Mark Robinson, what happened to your promising career ? That's what signing for Kevin Keegan does for you. Happy thirtieth for November by the way... what happened to all those England caps you were going to win ? And as for Cowe... what a bloody stupid name. Why not call yourself Donkeye while you're at it, then you'll really fit in.

Swindon haven't done too bad at home, presumably because they can take the good night's sleep their ageing bones demand before a game. Well I hope they bloody lose on Saturday. And I hope it rains in Swindon for six months.