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Palace v Watford, 28/11/98
Fenwick, man of letters
By Matt Rowson

Dear Mum,

its been a very confuseing week. I've had some more of those letters from Portsmouth... they're really nasty ! They obviously never had a proper upbringing, some of those words aren't even in the dictionry. And to think, all me and Uncle Tel were trying to do was to get Portsmouth to play quality Premiership football... their all just jellous down there now that we've found a real Premiership club like Crystle Palace.

Some of them are saying things about the money that Uncle Tel got from them, but its like Uncle Tel says, if you want quality youve got to pay for it. Uncle Tel's really good with money, and I'm really happy that he suggested looking after my wages for me. He's a really kind man. Theres been some storys in the papers about money going missing here, which is really strange because Uncle Tel's obviously got lots of money so I cant think where people get these ideas from. He told me that if people start asking questions to say that I don't know anything. I told him I didn't understand, and he said well done. He's a really kind man.

Mister Goldberg was in the paper too. It says that he said he was going to "run the club in the way he would run any large corporation", which I don't really understand but Crystle Palace are obviously a large corporation so it sounds sensible. Mister Goldberg obviously knows what hes doing anyway.

We went to Swindon on Saturday. The Swindon fans were very noisy, and I don't think they like me very much either. Uncle Tel says they were cheering me but I'm not sure. I clearly heard one man shout "Bog off Fenwick you bastard", but he's obviously just jellous that I'm with a Premiership club like Crystle Palace.

We lost against Swindon, which wasn't very fair as we were playing quality Premiership football. Its funny, we don't win very much away from home. Must be that they dont appreciate quality football in places like Swindon. Uncle Tel said something really confuseing... apparantly we might not be playing in the Premiership next season. It depends on how many games we win or something, Uncle Tel says, which doesn't seem very fair. I think that Mister Goldberg and the other Premiership chairmen should get together and change the rules so that quality Premiership clubs like Palace play in the Premiership. It makes sense to me, its so obvious you'd think theyd have thort of it before.

We've got lots of Australians in the team at the moment, which is really good. Their names are Craig Moore, Craig Foster and Nicky Rizzo (I made sure I got the names right by copying them from the programme !). Uncle Tel knows lots about Australian players, because he was coach there for a while. Quality players like these are bound to get us into the Champions League and the World Cup, just like they would have done at Portsmouth if they had appreciated quality football down there. I was actually quite surprised that Australia didn't win the world cup, but apparantly they lost to Saudi Arabia, who Uncle Tel says are really underrated and were unlucky not to win it themselves !

We've got Jason Crowe from Arsenal at the moment on loan (that means we've got to give him back later, Uncle Tel said, like a video.). He's from the Premiership so he's obviously excellant. Uncle Tel says I can't play Kevin Miller at the moment, because we've got another goalkeeper, Fraser Digby, who played in the Premiership with Swindon, so he's obviously excellant too.

Uncle Tel told me to drop Dean Austin last week because the crowd don't like him or something. I don't understand really... he's obviously a world class player, because he played in the same Tottenham team as I did. Its a bit confuseing why the crowd dont understand him.

We're playing against Watford on Saturday. Uncle Tel doesn't like them... he says they've got a sloping pitch which has given them an unfair advantage against quality Premiership sides for years and years. He also says that they don't play proper football, they just kick it in the air and chase it, so he really wants to beat them.

I don't know much about them... they've got an Australian too, apparantly, but Uncle Tel never picked him for Australia so he can't be that good. I've never really herd of any of their players, so theyre probably rubbish.

Those Chinese men I told you about in my last letter wont be able to play... theyve gone home for a bit. I dont think they like me very much... whenever they see me they point at me and laugh and talk in funny voices.

Matt Jansen wont be able to play either, because he's just been in hospital. He's a really really fast runner. I asked Uncle Tel if he thought Matt was as fast as I am, and he said nearly and laughed. He's such a kind man. I asked Uncle Tel if he could run that fast and he said something about the IRS or something and laughed again, but I didn't really understand.

I'm going to stop writing now, because my hand is tired. I'm sending this letter up with some brown paper parcels. They are a present from Uncle Tel. He says theyre magic parcels for the pigeon loft, to keep the pigeons warm. He said that its important to put them in a corner of the pigeon loft where nobody can see them and steal the magic, and don't open them or the magic will escape and hurt the pigeons. He said that was very important. He's such a kind man.

Give my love to Biggles.