That tight permed hair makes him look like a reject from the Art Garfunkel school of ponce. Yet it is not so much that as his sheer inanity to be a sports anchor on one of the UK's most successful, nay award winning, Regional News magazines, and his stupid grinning face accompanied by such football greats as Alan "Hopeless" Mullery, and Peter "Former Saint, let's hear nothing of his days at Chelsea" Osgood. Since he took over the key man's role from the mighty David Bobin, Charlton have somehow managed to squeeze their way into the Meridian Region - I'm buggered if they can receive the delights of "Meridian Tonight" there anyway - and why would they want to!

Anyway, the most embarrassing think is, Andy is not even a football specialist - he even supports the Arse. No, his first love is Ski-ing, and many moons ago when the Station was TVS and the mighty "Number 73" was being filmed in my hometown, the boy Steggall was responsible for a Saturday lunchtime programme, just before the powerboating and the black and white film called "Ski Tips". Such an accomplished skier is Steggall, that the first day of filming one season of the series, he broke his leg in three places, and was off work for six months or so! What's more, he buys all his clothes in one of the stiggiest shops in the whole of Maidstone. How lucky that he used to be nicknamed "Stig" - no-offence intended to anyone actually called Stig!

Inane!
By Ian Grant

As anyone who's met me will hopefully testify, I am a tolerant and generally good-natured type of person. Why is it, then, that Andy Steggall moves me to thoughts of murder? Why do I wish someone would put together an Andy Steggall Doom WAD with hundreds of Steggall lookalikes waiting to be massacred?

It might be because the man has an unparalleled ability to reduce everything to the same inane level. In his simple-minded universe, every football match is the same (always "superb"), nothing is to be criticised in any way whatsoever. His partner-in-crime, Peter Osgood (a man so uncontroversial he makes Trevor Brooking seem like Adolf Hitler), is just as offensive. Between them they manage to spend fifteen minutes of valuable airtime rearranging the words "superb", "Alan Knight" and "to be fair" AND THEY GET PAID FOR IT.

Believe me, you Carlton lot with yer Bob Wilsons and Ian St Johns, you don't know how lucky you are!

The Meridian Match!
By Ian Grant

The scene: Half-time in the Meridian TV live match - Portsmouth v Charlton. After a dour first half, Charlton lead by one goal - scored from 2 inches out by Leaburn after Alan Knight had dropped the ball at his feet in an attempt to catch a mishit cross. In the studio, Andy Steggall and his guest Peter Osgood look back over the first half in characteristically incisive fashion.

Andy Steggall (with fixed cheesy grin): Yes, half-time in the Meridian Match local derby special. And Peter, what a great advert for Endsleigh league football that was, wasn't it? Absolutely superb action.

Peter Osgood (looking like he'd rather be having his Sunday roast): Well, to be fair, it's a superb game. Let's be fair, both sides have attacked from the start and, being fair for a moment, it's been a superb game.

Steggall: One goal in it at the break, but what a superb strike by Leaburn, Peter.

Osgood: Well, let's be fair to the big fella, it's a superb strike.

Steggall: Let's have a look at it on the replay. Superb strike.

Osgood: Well, to be fair to the young lad, he's got a lovely cross in there for the goal. Alan Knight's come for it but, let's be fair, he hasn't made a very good job of it.

Steggall: But, Alan Knight, what a superb professional he is, isn't he Peter?

Osgood: Well, let's be fair to Knighty, he's had a superb career in the professional game and, being fair to him, he's been superb for Pompey over the years.

[The nation watches the end of the Italian football rather than endure the inevitable five minute tribute to Alan Knight.]

Osgood: So Knighty's dropped the cross and, to be fair to Leaburn, he's got in a fabulous strike to beat Knighty with the shot.

Steggall: It's got to be a good effort to beat Alan Knight from that distance, Peter.

Osgood: Well, let's be fair to Knighty, he's had a superb career in the professional game and, being fair to him, he's been superb for Pompey over the years.

[The nation makes a cup of tea.]

Steggall: So let's have a look at this from another angle.

Osgood: Superb strike.

Steggall: Superb strike. Worth seeing again from a different angle, for those that missed it.

Osgood: Superb strike.

Steggall: Superb strike. For anyone that was out, you've missed a superb goal. Let's have one final look.

Osgood: Superb strike.

Steggall: Superb strike. And one more time?

Osgood: Superb strike.

Steggall: Superb strike, that. Join us after the break for more half-time analysis...