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The Hall Of Arse:
Mark Flatts
by Laurence Boyd
Mark Flatts was good. He started off life in the Arsenal youth team, progressing quickly through the ranks there and then at England. By 1997 he was a regular in the England team and captain at Highbury. In Championship Manager 1993.

In reality, he was a player with the talent of David Ginola, the prospects of Michael Owen and the laziness of a particularly fat and lazy person in his armchair after a long hard walk to the fridge. He never actually got signed on at Watford, he just had a trial period. As at every other stage in his career, his arrival was noted triumphantly and his exit noted briefly in a tiny space below the question in that little column on the right hand side of the third sports page in the Watford Observer.

Mark Flatts just simply could not be bothered. He was a right winger with great pace, a good touch and a reasonable shot. However, despite constant reminders, he refused to attempt to go round the full back but instead, preferred to be tackled taking the shorter, easier route towards goal. Apparently, during his two week trial, Flattsie called in sick with a cold three times. He is now believed to be halfway between the kitchen and the sitting room, lying on the floor because he can't be arsed to move.