A week in the life
By Laurence Boyd
Get up and read the paper, absolutely no mention of Watford, even if we were playing the top team in the league and we beat them 4-0 with Kev Miller scoring a hatrick. Look at the league table... we're above Luton but very few other teams.
Argue with fellow supporters of the Golden Boys about Roeders latest formation/attempted striker signing/haircut and laugh at the Tottenham/Arsenal/West Ham fans who lost at the weekend.
Get home and look at Teletext, Birmingham have signed two new strikers and Blackburn have bought another completely over rated forward in the search for footballing talent. If I'm lucky there's an article on page 172 about Holdsworth's latest transfer rumour.
Watch match on Sky usually West Ham versus Southampton or equally dull game with absolutely nothing of any interest. By the way Andy Gray is brilliant, even if he's not the most inspiring commentator in the world he's always right and I've just about forgiven him for the FA Cup.
Read the review of the match on Sky the night before. I bet the reporter was never even there, he watched it at home on TV just like everyone else or maybe he just hasn't got a clue about football.
Arrive at Vicarage Road to watch Watford Reserves play in the Avon Insurance Combination (ok it's a crap name for a league, Pontins does sound better but at least it's not Neville Ovenden or whatever anymore). Nathan Lowndes does very little all match apart from score a great goal, Pitcher takes the piss but doesn't actually score, Robert Page is "commanding at the back" and someone gets booked for kicking the ball away by a reject ref who doesn't even get to be a linesman in the third division of the Endsleigh League. Some old gits complain every time someone passes it backwards and David Barnes plays but "isn't quite back to full fitness".
Get home and look at Ceefax, Terry Venables is in court charged with financial irregularities and Julian Dicks gets away with stabbing a policeman in the heart with a three match ban and a reprimand.
Listen to an English team getting knocked out of Europe on the radio. Alan Green slags off everybody, Trevor Brooking praises everybody, even the referee and Jimmy Armfield's a prat.
Read in the paper that David Holdsworth is going to join Chelsea for stlg 2 million. Hear on the radio that Watford completely deny this and they would want at least stlg 3.5m for a player of his standard. I know they'll sell him for stlg 2.5 million if anyone will offer it.
Watch England play San Marino in a friendly (yes, I know there was a Premiership match on Monday this is a hypothetical week Mr Sad Wanker). They draw 0-0 and the attendance is 6,001 Venables declares himself very happy with the result as he was trying out a new system/midfielder/defender/type of orange at half time.
Read in the paper about how bad England are, and every single paper says that if Fowler, Le Tissier and Ferdinand were playing we would have won 3-0. (By the way, Shearer is a cheating Geordie and I HATE BLACKBURN).
Read in the Free Observer about the last Watford game and Kevin Miller's comments, not bad for a footballer, but maybe just a little bit biased. No football tonight unless there's still an English team in the Cup Winner's Cup, exactly - no football tonight.
The second best day of the week- the Watford Observer's arrived, time to read all of King Ollie's news views and interviews. I read the news first- Roeder's failed to sign a Norwegian striker who has gone to Scarboro instead, he tried to sign two more strikers on loan but they'd prefer to play for reserve teams in the Premiership than Watford and he feels that he shouldn't name them. David Barnes has picked up an injury which will keep him out for a couple more games. In the interview with Sir Glen, Ollie finds out that Glen was "very disappointed with the display", felt that "we should have got more out of the game" and was glad that "at least we didn't resort to the l*ng b*ll". I read the little box in the match report which has the pitch report and stuff in, I have to go so don't have time to read the actual article.
Get home and look at the team news for Watford on Teletext and Ceefax, when I actually reach page 24/25 I find out that David Barnes has just failed a late fitness test and the opposition striker has just got engaged?! That took me ten minutes- why do I do this every week?
Take a look at Blind, Stupid and Desperate the Watford (unofficial) homepage on the internet - match reports are funny and infomative especially as I can rarely afford away matches (Bless you, kind sir - Ed).
Wake up sweating with anticipation, well maybe not but the tension is building....
Get up and read the paper, surprise, surprise no mention of Watford but there are ten more articles on how bad English football is. They all seem to have missed the problem - the other team score more goals than us.
Get to the ground ridiculously early as usual and pretend that I'm really interested in one of the car stereos in the Hornet shop so I can stay out of the rain.
The Golden Gates open and I am one of the first into the ground. Miller warms up and we take the mickey out of Cherry for being fat. Then we take the mickey out of Kenny Samson for being fat and then we cheer fat bloke - Tommy Mooney.
We've finished yelling at the "Cheerleaders" and Harry has failed to do the twist, perhaps it's because his backside is so huge in that new costume that cost almost as much as Beadle (and is probably more effective on a football pitch.) The game starts, Ramage is well good and Miller makes several great saves following spilled crosses and errors in his kicking. Mooney and Moralee try harder and Phillips shoots from the corner flag and the half way line. Holdsworth completely dominates their attack and Foster dribbles past the entire team before passing it to Lavin to cross into the family enclosure.
At half time the score is 0-0 and Watford should definitely win. Everyone with bets on for Ramage to score first is looking confident and Luton are losing 3-1 to Southend at home. The second half Miller has dislocated his thumb while peeling a half time banana and as we had no 'keeper on the bench Connolly is in goal. He is lobbed four times and we lose 5-0, Ramage is sent off in the 46th minute for taking a dive.
Luton have come back to win 4-3, Trevor Peake has scored a hatrick. LONG DEPRESSED GAP LOCKED IN MY ROOM UNTIL.....
Watch Match of the Day, Des Lynham is the funniest man on TV closely followed by Gary "joke a minute" Lineker. Alan Hansen fancies Liverpool for the treble and Yeboah has toe-punted his way to another goal of the month.
Wake up late with football hangover. There's no report of the Watford game in the newspaper for a change, although there is a page on Fulham V Wycombe. Gary Lineker completely agrees with Terry Venables England decision midweek, but thinks it would be a good idea to play Paul Ince (that talented playmaker?!) as a sweeper or in the back four to give the team more vision and flair. Read the cricket reports... Wake up ...
Watch some Italian football, God it's boring. I'm surprised the fans don't all fall asleep, the football's so slow.
Decisions, decisions, I can either watch the rest of the Italian game and risk death by extreme boredom, watch the London Match and listen to Ian St John and Bob Wilson trying to get excited about Charlton V Grimsby or watch the beginnings of the Sky broadcast and see Richard "hairier than the ape's enclosure at London zoo" Keys completely over-hype a Premiership mid-table meaningless match.
Go and kick a football against a wall instead.
Watch the match on Sky, nobody looks remotely like scoring and I wish I'd never even heard of Football.
Go to bed anticipating the week ahead with great relish. Don't you just love football?