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Spinning it out
By Mike Scofield
I've just been looking at the papers and seeing the extremely stupid names of some Rugby Union clubs mentioned.

Why is it (and Rugby 'Sooper' League, as well as the Cricket Sunday league did it as well) that the marketing types somehow believe that, by adding a spurious 'upbeat' sounding suffix to an established club's name, it will somehow catapult them into the 'supercrowd' bracket alongside ManU and Barcelona ?

Sale existed for years...why do they need to become Sale Sharks?

Bristol Shoguns? I ask you!! "Oooh...that sounds like SUCH an exciting club to watch...I must forget about the DIY every Saturday and go to see Bristol Shoguns instead. Good job they didnt keep their old name, I never would have gone to watch them!"

Oh, come on guys! Who are you kidding ? Nicknames are nicknames, no problem with that, but incorporating them into the actual club's name ? Get away with you.

What about going the whole hog and adding Saracens' nickname to their actual name to get...Saracens Sarries? Or Harlequins Quins? The one I'd like the best has to be (because of their liking for a pint or two) Bath Taps....

So...the next question is, what other spurious club names would the spin doctors come up with in the Nationwide, to boost attendances in these troubled times?

I guess it would have to be the Watford Hornets, but I think I might prefer the less glamorous 'Watford Desperates' (apologies to BSaD). Luton ? No, don't even go there....

As for Tradition...well, the oldest club in the league, Notts County, have to abandon that silly 'county' name and go for the strident "Trent Bridge Bogtrotters".

What about clubs whose names are actually a nickname in the first place? Arsenal? Maybe 'Arsenal Weapons of Mass Destruction' might be a good topical one? Seems to describe Thierry Henry's shooting pretty accurately at the moment!

While we're at it, let's change the club's strip too, so that it matches the stereotypical view that visiting fans have of the area. Therefore Newcastle shirts should change to a little strappy crop-top in lycra with sparkly bits, that shows off their hairy stomachs. Especially appropriate for a freezing January night standing outside the players' entrance, waiting for the bouncers on the door to let them in to get changed.

Ahhh...the romance of football...err, sorry...Soccer. Aha! That's it! The final indignity, the final victory for the spin doctors...we change the name of our game, to avoid being confused with Rugby, or Grid-Iron in the States, to...wait for it...

"Kick-a-round-ball"! Perfect naming strategy. That would bring the crowds flocking back.

Tim Shaw, please note.