Part 1: Regular Awards
Player of the Season
Kevin Miller- dependable, and all those clean sheets!
Goal of the Season
Johnson vs Wolves - stunning
Find of the Season
Kevin Phillips- has bolstered our lacklustre attack, and for only #5000
Most Improved Player
Derek Payne- went from oblivion to now regularly command a first team place.
Goalscorer of the Year
Craig Ramage- club top scorer, need I say more?
Andy Hessenthaler, kept his head when all around him were losing theirs.
Darren Bazeley- can play anywhere. Maybe they should try him in goal instead of Digweed!
Mr Perry Digweed esq- he has managed to get himself the chant of booooo, every time his name is mentioned - all for a few lousy performances.
Keith Millen, whoever he is.
Best All round performance
Away to Southend- we tanned their hides good!
Worst Defensive display - Home
vs Oldham - What were we playing at?
Worst Defensive display - Away
vs Reading - Shaka-What's the score?
Part 2: The Bruce Lee/"Enter the Dragon" awards for heroism on the pitch.
Best Fight between players
Miller grabbing Ramage around the chops and waving his finger at him angrily, Grobbelaar style.
Player most likely to get in a fight
Peter Beadle- he tries once a week.
Part 3: The David Ellery award for ever-consistent refereeing
Best sending off
Nigel Gibbs at Reading, for falling on the ball (1 yellow card) and then not going anywhere near the diving Welshman (2 cards and off)
The Mr L.Nogan special award
The "I want out!" award, for childish behaviour and sulking
Lee Nogan: Suddenly started scoring goals, realised that there was a bit of interest in him, so stopped so Roeder would want to sell him.
Part 4: The "Sh*t Ground, No Fans" awards for the off the pitch experience
(Warning: Reading and Luton Feature heavily here-understandably)
Molineux (or should that be Moulinex-the big Mixer)
Reading - how can they even THINK about the Premiership with a ground like that. They filled it for our visit- about 10,000 spectators.
Most Dubious Ticket allocation
Crystal Palace- tickets like gold dust, yet massive tracts of home space remained unfilled.
Luton - that had to have been the family enclosure, because there was certainly insufficient room for the average adult male.
Quietest home fans
Luton - we out sung them, despite the squeeze.
Southend - I went to a chip shop at the top of the road before the match, and was served with cold uncooked chips. This meant that I felt ill for the beginning of the match, so didn't look for the pie stall. Me not eating a pie = best performance on the pich & ability to squeeze into old jeans for me!
Town with least accessible filling stations
Luton - I could only find one, by the M1 roundabout - at this time I had shouted myself hoarse and needed a drink. On approaching the Mecca that said "JET-Priceless Quality", a police cattle-cart, blues and twos a-hollering, pulled in there and blocked it off, and I couldn't find the other entrance. Consequence - drive via country roads to St Albans.
Best spitting attempt by home fan
Luton - On walking to my car, some slack policing by the Bedfordshire Police ensured that an example of Luton scum stood right in front of me, looked up at me - he was 5 feet 8, and I'm a six footer, and spat his remaining brain cell at me from point blank range. He missed, and hit himself with more saliva, as he walked into it, than he did me. He then proceeded to work on his svelte figure, by going into McDonalds and attempting to speak.
Most dangerous alleyway alongside a football ground
Luton- you have to go along it coming back from McD's, and two, weak-looking Hornets could never withstand the might of the ten ton Hatter Attack, that I so cunningly managed to avoid.
Most Annoyingly persistent tannoyman
Luton- obsessed with his stupid lottery. Plugged it once every minute.
Most Pointless Half-Time Entertainment
The "Gladiators" duel thing at Luton - it was half way finished before I even realised that it was on. (You didn't go to Portsmouth for the relay race, then? - Ed)
Best travelling companion
A bloke called Cheesy who sat with us on the train from London to Southend, and sat with us during the match. He was a great bloke - who most importantly had the same views as me!